i am moving back to xanga....

www.xanga.com/saladjunkie

no offence girls but i really miss all of the girls on xanga and find it so much quicker and easier to navigate.

love you all and you can check me at my new site!

Jess xxx

i have just got home from the gym. 2 days in a row! i MUST be sick!

my eating was better yesterday than in AGES! i had 1100 cals which is under my max limit of 1200cals. it would have only been 800 if i hadn't eaten that damn chocolate ice cream but at least there is none left now so there will be no temptation to eat anymore!

i have to go our for lunch in about an hour with a friend. kinda scared but kinda not. i know that i will make healthy choices today.

troy want's to go out on the town tonight. grrrrr..... more empty cals. i guess i will just count my drinks and compensate tomorrow for the extra cals!

oh and i lost 3lbs yesterday!!! very exciting. only 7 more until i get the weight i have put on in the last couple of months odd again!!

Jess xxx

i went to the gym at 6am this morning! can you believe it? well... i cheated. i made troy PUSH me out of bed at 5:45 to get up. otherwise there was NO WAY i would've went. i told him from now on he has to push me out of bed every morning! i love how i feel after a workout. so alert and healthy. and now i am dinking my chinese green tea (good for the metabolism) and skipping breakie (not so good for the metabolism) but i will go and get some grapes for morning tea when i get to work.

i told troy last night about the salad dinner deal i am now going on. all he said was can we have chicken salad? i said sure so it's set. he didn't lose any weight last week either so he is a little dissapointed and i think he will work harder this week too. which means i have to work SUPER hard! which is really difficult at the moment due to it being easter time and i have a real love of chocolate!! oh well. i will just have to avoid it and just buy it for everyone else!!

now the reason i actually went to the gym this morning was because i was watching australia's version of the biggest loser last night and the fatest chick who got voted off a while ago was saying how she has been getting up at 4am every day to go to the gym and she's lost 12kgs in a month! and i thought to myself, Jess, if that fat bitch can do it... so can you!!! so i did.

have a good day/night all!!

Jess xxx

i cannot believe it! i have just hit a weight i swore to myslef i would NEVER hit again and still i keep eating!!! how can i be so disgusting! i have put on 5kgs in recent months and just can't seem to get back on track! this FUCKING SUCKS!!! i HATE this! why can't i do this anymore?????? why do i just keep eating.

salad for me. that's it. just salad until i lose at least 2kgs.

god i am a shit head!

i have been doing better with my eating for the last couple of days. YAY! i did eat too much subway for dinner last night but at least it was subway and not KFC! i have lost 1kg since monday. i hope to lose another one by monday next week.

i got troy to weigh in so i could put his weight on the graph and i was sooooooo pissed off to see he weighs only 8kgs more than me!!! shit i am so fat! it means though i guess that i really want to make sure i lose weight quicker than him so he doesn't EVER weigh less than me! that would be totally aweful! i guess this will help to keep me stay focussed.

i have to do a whole day in the store on my own today my staff both have things on so no lunch cover. i mean i guess that means i don't have to have lunch but i still hate being on my own all day. especially if it's not going to be a busy day. it's a good thing i bought 4 magazines with puzzles in them yesterday to keep me entertained huh?

ok wish me luck today. i have dinner with friends tonight. it will be homemade but i just hope after not eating all day that i won't pig out!

*hugs*

Quote of the day:

"there is no shortage of good days. It is just good lives that are hard to come by." - Annie Dillard

well i wrote up the weight loss chart yesterday at work. troy seems interested so it's all go. he really is getting into this. i played volleyball for an hour last night and when i got homei suggested we take the dogs for a long walk and he actually WANTED to go!!! OMG! so we did. i am rather sore today though. i don't think i warmed up for volleyball properly. bugger! oh well. the price we pay huh?

ok i have to get ready for work.

xxx

hey girls!

i haven't been hiding from you all. i have been working alot and in adelaide for a while for work which was fun but tiring. so i am still here!!

my broadbrand modem should arrive this week so i should be able to access my net a lot easier! i have been having real problems with my dial up which is a pain but i guess it will be better soon huh?

my eating has been disgusting. i just can''t seem to stay on track. i di fine for a few days then i mess up and give up again. this sucks!! i am getting fatter and FATTER by the day and i am not enjoying this at all. i am going to make up a weight loss chart for my partner and i and put it on the wall to remind me every day to eat right and exercise. i think i will put up a reward chart too? maybe this will encourage Troy to really want to do this with me? i hope so. also an exercise chart. so when we reach 50 workouts we get a special reward or something? maybe i will talk it over with him tonight and see what he thinks.

my weekend was pretty good. i went out on saturday and got drunk even though i am supposed to be not drinking. but it was a good night and by the end my feet were so sore from dancing that my gay friend found an abandoned shopping trolley and pushed me all the way home!!! that was great! but the trolley is still sitting my my driveway so i better do something about that!

ok back to work.

Jess xxx

PS: Luisa I LOVE YOU and would NEVER forget about you!!!!!!! *hugs*

i know - i have been hiding. i have been doing so badly and i didn't want to come here and tell any of you just how bad. but i am getting back on the right track now so i guess i will start writing again now.

i have been taking laxies for the last 2 days. and before anyone has a go at me i know they don't help you lose fat. i have been bloated and gross thanks to my period so i took them and now i feel much better. i love feeling hungry again too. i missed this.

i talked to Lena today. she is a chick i met over the net who i lives near brisbane. she's really cool. we have been emailing for a few weeks and she rang me about 1/2 an hour ago to say hi. it's great because troy wasn't home so i could talk openly about food, dieting ect with her and not have to worry. i needed that little bit of motivation today. i have dinner with my parents tonight and i needed to be reminded not to eat today and not to eat like a pig at dinner. YEE HAW... maybe i will get through today ok!

i didn't eat yesterday until dinner. i was just going to have a salad but troy cooked beef stroganoff which i just could refuse. oh well. i have still lost 2kgs in the last 2 days so i am happy with that. i really want to lose another 2 by tuesday before i go to adelaide for work. then i will feel ok enough to show my face in public!

time to do the washing and clean the house!!

Jess xxx 

well it's monday. i didn't put any weight on last week but i didn't lose any. i am suprised i didn't gain. i ate and drank so much! i am so disgusted with myself. i had 2 birthday's to go to so you can guess how much alcohol was comsumed!!! a 21st and a 50th in one weekend!!! CRAZY!

so i am giving up alcohol for a while. it makes me too silly and i really need to start losing again. i am sick of being hungover and sick all the time. so i am going to try for a month without it to start with. i am also thinking about giving up smoking. OMG i hear you all say. i know i know. i should have done it years ago but now i think i really want to. i am NOT going cold turkey. i am starting slow. i have about 10 left in my pack so i will ration them out. i don't really fell like smoking today anyway. my mouth feels like an ashtray after last night! hopefully i can keep the momentum going tomorrow. and the next day. and the next... you get the picture.

did anyone else see that Mariah Carey lost 14kgs in a month!!!??? why can't that be me? she looks awesome now. she was getting WAAAAAAAYYYYYY too chunky. god i need a personal trainer and a personal chef!

food diary is working. i hate having to write bad things in it so i am always leaning towards the low cal food in my fridge. YAY! i want to lose at least a kilogram a week from now on. no more fucking around.

i go to the city next week for work. hopefully i can lose maybe 2kgs before then?

love you all!!!

xxx

well my cold has come back in full force over the last 2 days!! i am on cold & flu tablets but it doesn't seem to be letting up   this also means i have been eating a lot. i have to eat to make sure my body can recover from this shit before i go to the city at the end of the month. ugh... i hate feeling so full and fat!

i found my old calorie counter book and food diary. i am going to start using it again as of tomorrow. this is the way i lost a whole heep of weight the first time so i know i can make it work again. i am going to try for under 800 cals a day and 1000 on the weekends to start with and then drop it again as i get used to it. i HAVE to do this.

i went shopping today and got 2 pairs of jeans, 2 tops and a new bra all for $80 (aus)!!!! i am such a bargin shopper. i made sure to get the jeans a little tight to remind me not to eat anymore shit whenever i wear them!!!

xxx

i couldn't sleep last night. i kept tossing and turning and my brain was running at a hundred miles an hour. nothing would relieve it. i ended up finally falling into a restless sleep at about 3:30am.

i didn't go to the gym today. i wanted to go this morning but i just couldn't make myself get out of bed. i felt terrible. i hate this feeling. i can feel my depression seeping in again like a black cloud. the only difference this time is my 'brave face'. nobody seems to realise what is going on under the surface at all.

note to self: saw 'competative anorexia' artical in cosmo - must buy in the morning.

i am so sick of all this binging but i can't seem to make it stop. it's killing me. inside and out. i can see my hard work being poured down the drain. fuck! i need help.

must go to the gym in the morning. no excuses.

i am suprised at how guilty i feel when HE was the one who tried to rape ME! why do i feel like i have been disloyal to troy? i didn't do anything. but somehow i feel as if all this was my fault. i must have lead him on. i must have made him to believe i would be ok with it. at least i had the sense to scream and run i guess. at least i had the sense to call troy and tell him whay happened. yes the edited version. but i still told him. nothing actually happened... why do i feel like this is all my fault?

i wish Luisa was here.

i am so down and depressed again. i can't stop eating which i making it worse. i feel like i gain 10lbs every time i look at or smell food. i can feel myself growing bigger and bigger yet smaller and smaller until i fade away from view. unnoticed. the way i like it now i guess. i don't want people to see the real me. i don't want them to be dissapointed. i just want to run and run until there is no further to go. i just want to run from myself. from him. from everything.

why does this shit have to happen to me????

i maintained my weight from yesterday. i am extreamly suprised concidering troy ordered pizza for dinner!!! i know ate too much but i am just glad i didn't gain!

lunch went well yesterday. we went to a cafe and i had a low fat ceaser salad roll minus the bacon and anchovies (ewwww). it was really light and REALLY yummy. it was good to catch up with haydn. he has changed a little. not as annoying as he used to be sometimes! he's grown up. but i guess that happens in 2 years hey!

now down to the pizza. troy is sick (still) and now i am feeling kinda sorry for him because i have been so nasty and grumpy about it. so when i went to volleyball i told him to think of whatever he wanted for dinner and we would go out and get it when i came home. when i got got home he told me he had ordered pizza! well pizza is my all time fave food so when i eat it i have to make sure i eat nothing else all day so i can have exactly what i like. the works with double mushroom. so that is what he ordered me. i know he was just trying to do the right thing but AHHHHHHH!!!!! i ate a whole small pizza!! now our pizza's here in australia are much MUCH smaller than the US versions so you don't really have to freak out or get grossed out. a small pizza is like a dinner for one. and it had LOTS of vegies on it and very little cheese on a thin, low fat base. so i know that it wasn't exactly the worst thing he could've picked but i still would of prefered he wait for me so i could've ordered a vegetarian with no cheese. oh well. the damage is done.

i am too nice to my staff! i need to organise to go down to adelaide for a few days at the end of the month for training but i will need one of my staff members to work 2 full days on her own. now my store can VERY easily be run by one person all day but she doesn't want to do it. and i feel horrible if i am going to have to pull rank and MAKE her do it. she will hate me if i do that. what am i going to do????

hopefully i have a junk food free day today!!

Jess xxx

i just wrote my whole god damn post and because my computer is a lap top i touched the mouse pad to hard and dragged backwards and it basically did what the 'back' button does at the top of the screen!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

so here is the run down of what was in the post...

1. i lost 1kg (2.2lbs) yesterday!!!! nearly back down to where i was before i turned healthy eating into COE for 3 weeks.

2. my cold has come back with a vegence. i HATE being sick!!!

3. an old friend has come back to town and we are having lunch today. PRAYING that i can just stick to diet coke!

4. i am part of a challange on the 'you can be beautiful' forum i visist (link on right side of page). it is a beat MIA and COE challange. basically for the enitire month, every day that you do not binge or purge you get a point and the person with the most points at the end of the month wins!!! come and join us if you like!!! i have 2 points now. YAY!!!

grrrrrrr.... i wish i had a REAL computer!

Note to Jenn: Hi Honey!!! i have you blog addy now so i will be visiting you. i just can't comment  maybe you should move over here!!!! i love you and i will email you asap. keep reading me ok!!!

Jess xxx

troy's taking the day off work. he's sick. if you ask me he is just being a slacker because he doesn't feel like going today. yes he has a cold. so what???? i have had a cold for the last week and a half and done more hours at work than him AND ran my dogs around at the show!!!! suck it up princess!!!!

so i lost 0.8kgs yesterday (2 lbs). thank god. when i got on the scale after eating dinner last night i saw a number that was EXTREMELY scary and nearly had a panic attack! but it's ok now. i know i am going to lose this weight again now. i know everything wil be ok.

i miss Luisa already. and she only just left this morning!!!! i hope she loves Peru and has a ball but she still better make sure she comes back no matter HOW nice it is over there!!!

it's going to be a baaaaaad day today. i can just tell. not food wise but work wise and people pissing me off wise. i swear to god, no one is going to want to get on my bad side today!!!!

good morning ladies.

so far so good. having coffee for breakfast with no plan to eat now or at lunch time. i may not be able to get away with skipping dinner but we are having stir fry so it's not so bad. i also have an hour of beach volleyball tonight so that will help.

my sister's dog who currently lives with us has a hot spot. that is bascially just a gross, itchy sore on her back. and it's growing! the poor little thing. she can't stop biting at it. my sister is NEVER home to look after her so she is fretting - possibly think's my sister has abandoned her? so i am going to drop her off at mum's on the way to work and mum will take her to the vet tonight. mum is not impressed that my sister is not looking after her animals. she has another dog and a cat too. she has basically just left them here and hopes that troy and i will look after them for her!! she is lucky i am such a nice person. the way the other dog and cat carry on all the time would be enough to send even the sanest person bonkers!

wish me luck today!!!!

i had a dream last night. a friend of mine (kate) asked me "so are you in recovery now? are you really going to stay the same size that you are?" to which i replied, "not anymore".

i am going back to the way things were. i am going back to starving. i am going back to exercising. i am going back to LOSING WEIGHT!!!!  can't stand this fat anymore. i think i have gained. i haven't even been bothered to check. but i can feel it. and if it's not fat that i feel maybe it is the lack of emptiness. i feel so heavy and disgusting. so drained of energy. so gross. well not anymore. i'm sorry frannie but i can't do this anymore. i am going back to ana.

i am sorry i have been absent girls. i have been rather busy. my assistant manager at work quit on me with 3 hours notice. i now have to work a lot of overtime to cover it. i also had a dog show yesterday and another one this afternoon. so i have not been around the house much. but i promise to get back into routine soon.

i am getting broadband!!! no more of this slow arse dial up for me!! it will just take about a week because i am waiting for the modem i have ordered to arrive. i am very excited!!! i hate my dial up because it is so slow and frustrating. now i will be able to do so much more in a smaller amount of time

Charlie (my baby girl puppy) won a ribbon at the show yesterday. she won NT Bred in Group for any of you doggy people out there who have the slightest idea of what i am talking about. i was very proud of her. concidering she is losing her coat because she will come into season next week and is too skinny. her brother who is owned by my mum got runner up best in in show!!! OMG!! my mum was so happy. we were never expecting that!

ok i have to shower i think. i have been so lazy i am still in my pj's and it's 2pm already!!

xxx

i am feeling a little better today. just a sore throat and a stuffy nose. at least my head is clear now.

you wouldn't believe it.... i have actually lost some weight!! OMG! i really don't know how but i guess all this eating and making sure i have breakie every morning has obviously raised my metabolism or done 'something' to make me lose. well i am not complaining! it was only 1.5lbs but the way i have been eating i should've gained not lost. hmmm..... mysterious....

god i can't wait for winter. it so damn hot here and all i can think about it cuddling up on the couch in my fluffy dressing gown with troy and a bowl of HOTT homemade pumpkin soup. mmmmm...... too bad this is like 4 months away! why can't i live in a place where it's cold all the time? i hate summer. not only do i have to bare my disgusting thighs in the pool, but i feel drained of energy all the time. grrrrr

i am going to visit andrea for lunch today. poor little chicken. she has just had a back operation and can't leave the house except to visit the doctor. i thought i would take her a foccacia from one of our fave cafe's which has now moved into my work building!!! they make the best coffee in alice and now i get it every morning in no time!

xxx

i didn't get to the gym yesterday or this morning. i have a damn cold! fuck it! i hate being sick. i did play 1 hour of beach volleyball though. it nearly killed me. my throat was rasping so badly. i couldn't not do at least some exercise. i would feel too guilty.

i have found friends! well actually you found me! i haven't had time to look around here much yet so it was nice to have someone want to include me in their 'posse'

my 'healthy' eating is slowly getting better. because i am so big i know that at least for a while i can eat healthily and still lose weight. my tiny bowl of special k every morning is getting easier to stomach. i am not used to eating breakfast but i know that it is the best way to get my metabolism revving at the start of the day so i will force myself to eat it. and i am also cutting my dinner in half from now on. i know i eat too much at night. i am a night binger. that is my problem.

i am in a no binging, no purging comp on the You Can Be Beautiful forum so hopefully this will help me this month. god knows i need the help.

i really don't want to work today but i guess i don't have much choice. that's what happens when you run a store. you aren't allowed to be sick. it's against the rules.

i found it difficult to fall asleep last night. and difficult to wake up this morning. my body did just not want to move. like it was telling me "don't even bother today Jess... you will achieve nothing". it's probably right.

i gained 2 pounds last week. pretty good concidering how much food i actually ate! i was  like a human garbage disposal. i just couldn't get enough. if i new the trick to opening my throart i would've just poured it in and forget the chewwing step. chewing or not it is still going to make me fat.

i just wish i could find a happy balance between starvation and overeating. i want to do this the healthy way, i really do but i just can't seem to get it right. my body just doesn't know what a 'normal' amount of food is anymore. and if i let it think i am going to be nice to it and feed it healthily, it gets greedy and will push me eat anything that doesn't move! hopefully i will get there one day huh?

i am feeling sorry for Troy. the por boy has only been getting sex about once a fortnight. we used to do it at least every second day. i just can't bring myself to let him touch my disgusting body. it is bad enough when he wraps his arms around my huge stomach in bed let alone him touching me all over in a pleasurable way! but i do feel sorry for him. he probably thinks that i don't love him anymore. which is not true. i love him like i loved him the first time we met. with my whole heart.

i am going to the gym at lunch time. i have a half day at work today so no excuses. then i have volleyball tonight as well. i need to burn this fat!